Truth of Consequences

By Victoria Starr | August 2010

Ways I Create a Loyalty Bind for My Child

Directions: It is time to take the lead and own up to the truth about your behaviors. Read the following and identify ALL the behaviors you have chosen. Remember children experience a loyalty bind whenever they are placed in the middle of their parents’ conflict. This will make them feel uncomfortable loving both of you. Put an X on the number that indicates a behavior you have exhibited in the past, but that you no longer do. Circle the number that indicates those behaviors you are currently choosing to do that hurt your child.

  1. I make negative comments about the other parent.
  2. I use negative body language or tone when referring to my child’s other parent.
  3. I allow relatives or friends to make negative comments when my child can overhear.
  4. I ignore my child’s presence while arguing with the other parent.
  5. I discuss the character defects of the other parent when my child can overhear. This includes sharing information that will cause my child to see their other parent in a negative light–telling about an affair or a drug problem, for example. (Even if it is true, truth is not the issue, good parenting is.)
  6. I stress to my children how much I miss them when they are with their other parent.
  7. I ask my child questions about the visit with the other parent. I also ask questions about the parent, their relatives or someone my child cares for.
  8. I say negative things about someone my child cares for.
  9. I discuss child support or the lack of money with my child.
  10. I discuss legal or other adult information with my child.
  11. I ask my child to do things that might feel like spying.
  12. I ask my child to keep secrets that might feel like spying.
  13. I blame the other parent for our divorce or any other circumstances.
  14. I refuse to allow the other parent to step into our home. I will not let my child bring his other parent in our home; to see his room or into the backyard to see the new swing set.
  15. At our child’s activities, I refuse to sit on the same row with the other parent.
  16. I refuse to speak or to make eye contact with the other parent.
  17. I refuse to let my child take important items to her other home to show her other parent.
  18. I imply that I am the better parent.
  19. I make my child think that I am a victim because of the actions of the other parent.
  20. I send child support checks, letters or verbal messages through my child.
  21. I make my child feel responsible for my emotional needs. I let my child take care of me.
  22. I imply that my child is not safe in some way when she is with the other parent.
  23. I refuse to let my child sit with his other parent at joint activities when he has come with me to the activity.
  24. I remind my child that she can choose to live with me when she reaches the legal age.1

1 Boyan, Susan Blyth and Ann Marie Termini. Cooperative Parenting & Divorce: Shielding your Child from Conflict – A Parent Guide to Effective Co-Parenting. 1999. Pg 40.