Tips for Easing Transitions

August 2008

Traveling between homes may be difficult for your children. Each transition requires your children to make several adjustments. Although they may be anticipating being with their other parent, they may also experience some sadness about leaving you. When they leave the other parent, they may experience the same emotions once again. Comings and goings require your child to say hello and good-bye several times within a brief period of time.

  1. Prepare for Departure:
    1. Talk to your child about what will happen while he is visiting with his other parent. Tell the other parent the reason you are asking for this information. Do the same for the other parent so she may be able to prepare your child in the same fashion. Say to your child, “Mommy is going to take you to the library.”
    2. Establish and maintain a routine. Before your child leaves for the other home, read a book, play a game or watch a short video together.
    3. Establish and maintain a “good-bye” ritual. For example, give your child three kisses and a hug at each departure and say, “See you soon. Love you forever.”
    4. Pack a “comfort bag”: Your child may want to transport favorite items such as a stuffed animal, a blanket, a book or an item that reminds him of the absent parent. Place a note or card in the bag for your child to discover at a later time.
    5. During the transition process, acknowledge your child’s feelings. Encourage her to talk about her feelings, but do not pressure her to talk.
  2. During the Transition:
    1. Have your child adequately prepared and ready to -leave on time. If you are transporting your child, be on time for dropping off and picking up.
    2. Be courteous to the child’s other parent. Avoid arguments and exchanging extraneous information. Do not send messages to the other parent through your child.
    3. If your child is taking medication, be sure to transfer this medication and provide adequate instructions for how it is to be administered.
    4. Consider a neutral exchange site if you or the other parent have difficulty refraining from arguing or trading insults in front of your child. Your child’s day care or school can provide a neutral site.
    5. Your child may have difficulty separating from one or both parents. Establishing rituals for departure and arrival will ease some of the anxiety.
    6. During the transition process, acknowledge your child’s feelings. Encourage her to talk about her feelings, but do not pressure her to talk.
  3. Prepare for Return:
    1. Recognize that your child may need some time to be alone after returning home. Allow them to spend quiet time alone if they choose.
    2. Establish and maintain a “hello” ritual. Once your child has unwound from his arrival, play a game, read a book, watch a favorite video or bake cookies.
    3. Recognize that your child may not want to talk about the time spent with their other parent. Honor this preference.
    4. During the transition process, acknowledge your child’s feelings. Encourage her to talk about her feelings, but do not pressure her to talk. 1

1 Boyan, Susan Blyth and Ann Marie Termini. Cooperative Parenting & Divorce: Shielding your Child from Conflict – A Parent Guide to Effective Co-Parenting. 1999. Pg 38.