Creating Two Homes

It is important to create a home environment that provides your child with a sense of belonging. Remember your child has two homes no matter how much time they spend in each.

1. Build predictability and security in both households:
   1. Establish and maintain consistent routines and structure. Share routines that work with the other parent. As much as possible agree on bedtime, chores, morning rituals and homework. This will help both families.
   2. Establish and maintain consistent rules and procedures for discipline. Although children can adapt to different rules and procedures in several settings, adhering to the same procedures eases their adjustment. Work together as a team whenever possible.
   3. Establish and maintain responsibilities for your child. Children achieve a sense of belonging and build self-confidence by contributing to the family. Chores suited to your child’s developmental level and interests can help her gain a sense of place in the family. Refer to the book “Raising a Responsible Child” by Elizabeth Ellis, Ph.D. for additional information.
   4. Make time with your child as natural as possible. Sometimes the non- custodial parent tries to make up for time lost by filling weekends with “special events.” What your child will remember most is the accumulation of experiences. Being there for bedtime, homework and pleasurable activities such as playing catch and reading books is important.
   5. Spend one-on-one time with each of your children. Plan an activity that your child finds enjoyable.    Remember it can be as simple as coloring, reciting nursery rhymes or putting puzzles together. This is especially important if you have a significant other.
   6. Encourage your child to make friends in both neighborhoods and invite friends over.
2. Build continuity in both households:
   1. Make a personal place for your child. It is important for her to have her own bed or at least a sleeping bag at each house. If she is unable to have her own room, provide a dresser drawer for her to store personal belongings.
   2. Provide toilet articles and adequate changes of clothes including shoes, socks, pajamas and undergarments at each house.
   3. Honor your child’s preference if he wants to carry favorite items back and forth between homes.
   4. Allow your child to contact the other parent by telephone each day. Establish a regularly scheduled time for telephone contact. Assure your child privacy. Avoid calling right before bedtime or during your child’s favorite television show.
   5. Allow your child to have a picture of the other parent in both homes. Allow your child to choose where the photograph will be located.
   6. Post a calendar illustrating the days your child will be living with each parent.
   7. Share important information with your child’s other parent. Keep them informed of medical and dental visits and recommendations. Provide copies of report cards, school pictures and photographs of special events. Also, notify the other parent of important events in your child’s life, such as school performances, sports activities and dance recitals, as soon as possible.¹

¹ Boyan, Susan Blyth and Ann Marie Termini. Cooperative Parenting & Divorce: Shielding your Child from Conflict – A Parent Guide to Effective Co-Parenting. 1999. Pg 39.